THE HOLDOVERS (0mg)

Paul Giammatti hot & Best Actor?

disclaimer first

I confess there was no gummy involved in my viewing and there was no ritual. I did not want to potentially ruin this spiritual experience. So I did it sober. Brave. In an effort to keep the spirit of this pub honest in at least one way: I’m writing this high. 5mg.

The Ritual

Being inconsistent was the ritual, ok! Damn.

The Review

I have only ever allowed three Christmas movies into my heart and my yearly rotation: HOME ALONE 2 (mac n cheese eaten in The Plaza penthouse was formative), A CHRISTMAS STORY, and now THE HOLDOVERS. Commonality? Whiny white boys entertain me. They’re ridiculous, they’re stupid, their stress = my joy. What horrible things could possibly happen to this KKK youth? In keeping with the spirit of unholy capitalism also known as Christmas, I will pay to watch. Also also known as yes, we rented this film before realizing it was free on Peacock.

I must note an incredible mark in its favor: from the beginning, Alexander Payne right-sizes white pain and white guilt. He poses the question to Angus Tully (played by a cunty, curly Dominic Sessa): sorry, are you sad because nobody likes you? Well Da’Vine Joy Randolph’s son DIED in Vietnam because of racism, NAY, jingoism (it’s like saying racism twice), so please relax you unrepentant dick. Immediately, my guard is down and I am able to enjoy.

Now for my fav part… the performances… Da’Vine Joy Randolph plays a near perfectly calibrated mother Mary. The best person in the room even when she’s grieving and drunk off her ass. She knows there’s a world out there, she just doesn’t really want to be in it right now. She’s a Shakespearean tragedy and still manages to nail the magnanimity of big sisterhood. But also ma’am, PLEASE stop cooking drunk! Leave the oil spills to Exxon!!!

And then there’s Paul Giamatti in the role of a lifetime as Mr. Paul Hunham. A weird looking dude with a weirder penchant for teaching children how to actually be cool. As he quotes Roman legionnaires, I’m reminded of why I think scholars are hot. Is he too hard on the kids? Probably. Do I care? No! Someone needs to beat the rich bitch-ness out of ‘em, and please remember, I! Like! To! Watch! He managed to be DEAD POETS SOCIETY wise and hilarious. If loving him is wrong, I don’t want to be right. COVID took my smell away anyway.

This combination of emotionally isolated, left-behind characters, stuck together during Christmas? It’s no wonder we end up in a mental institution.

Conclusion: Time for my Sad in New England era. It will rival my Sad in NYC era. You may ask, Shaz, have you been depressed in every city you’ve ever lived in? Yes. :)

It’s time for one of the most important arcs of a high: did I catch a vibe? Yes, even the Citalopram couldn’t stop me from crying.

• I spent this whole movie angling for Paul Giamatti and Da’Vine Joy Randolph to fuck just one time. I can NOT be the only one. Look at this picture of Hunham enabling Mary’s addiction. Viiiiiibe <3

• Giamatt’s lazy eye was so convincing like… this dude had a lazy eye in BIG FAT LIAR and nobody told me???

• Obsessed with Tully’s tantrums as a person who stood in front of my mother’s car and told her to run me over if she hated me so much.

• Sticking up for a kid who can barely say thank you? Meeeee again!!! NEW ENGLAND IS MY DESTINY!!! In desperate need of a tearful “See you later.”

4.5 stars. Paul Hunham is the only man allowed to think about The Roman Empire. Paul Giamatti should win Best Actor even though he won’t.

Tune in next week for something a little sillier.